my essay

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my essay

Postby emma123 » Sun Mar 26, 2017 7:29 pm

Please check my essay and make it more better like 100%. My essay is really bad so please fix it. The essay needs to be 2 pages. Give me some ideas
Question: Are cell phones necessary in teenage's lives?

Everywhere you go, you see people on their cell phones. Technology is becoming more advanced. Cell phones are
not neccary in teenage's lives because it's addicted, it affects their learning, costly.

Approximately, the average teen uses his/her cell phones are 8 hours a day. Cell phones are addicting. Teenagers use
cellphones for texting, talking, social media, snapchat, facebook, and tons more. It's useless and not worth their time.
They don't need to have a cell phone to text their friends because students can talk to them in person. They can do
other things like reading, going outside with friends, shopping, chores in the house, and more.


Cell phones affects student's grades and distracts them. It's rude when students use cell phones while a
teacher is talking and they don't pay attention. Students text their friends during a lesson. When students
use cellphones so much, they don't have time to complete their homework. So they start to get lower grades.

With the increasing number of cell phone users, the cost is increasing. The cost of one cell phone bill is at least
$80 a month. In total that would be more than $900. That's a lot of money. The money could be spent on a
student's education or another worthy thing.

In conclusion, cell phones are not necessary because they are costly, affects student's grades, addicting.


overall this essay is bad and needs to be at least 2 pages. So can you make it better?
emma123
 
Posts: 18
Joined: Sat Dec 26, 2015 7:48 pm

Re: my essay

Postby Writeacher » Mon Mar 27, 2017 5:58 am

This is clearly not an essay yet, but you have some points here that are worth keeping as long as you organize them well and give reasons and examples to prove your statements. Remember -- no one here will write your paper for you!

Have you drafted your thesis statement? Have you written an outline or plan of your main points and what you'll use to support each? If you haven't done these things, be sure to do them before you go any further. Only after you have the thesis and outline done should you write the paragraphs -- in this order ~~> 2, 3, 4, 1, 5.

To be an essay, you need these things:

1. An introductory paragraph that ends with your thesis statement (one sentence that states your main idea and your opinion about that idea). Remember that this is NOT written first.

2. A paragraph with your first main supporting idea as the topic sentence and then 3-4 clear sentences giving reasons and examples why that topic sentence is true.

3. A second paragraph with your second main supporting idea as the topic sentence and then 3-4 clear sentences giving reasons and examples why that topic sentence is true.

4. A third paragraph with your third main supporting idea as the topic sentence and then 3-4 clear sentences giving reasons and examples why that topic sentence is true.

5. A conclusion in which you restate your thesis (in different words) and sum up the points you've made.

Once you have done these things, re-post and I'll take a look. But if you simply re-post what you posted above or just a slight revision of it, there's nothing else I can say.
Writeacher
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Location: Texas

Re: my essay

Postby emma123 » Mon Mar 27, 2017 8:47 pm

this is not really an essay, it's more an opinion paragraph
emma123
 
Posts: 18
Joined: Sat Dec 26, 2015 7:48 pm

Re: my essay

Postby Writeacher » Tue Mar 28, 2017 6:34 am

Now it's to be one 2-page paragraph?? Please check with your teacher to make sure you understand your exact assignment.
Writeacher
PATH Assistant Room Leader
 
Posts: 346
Joined: Wed Mar 23, 2005 1:09 pm
Location: Texas


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